I am. I am here. I matter.  (NAT Art Residency - 06/2022)

Yo soy Yo estoy aquí. Me importo.

While many people struggled with the effects of isolation during the pandemic, I found the time a welcomed respite. Two years of relative seclusion during Covid allowed me to turn inward. During this period, I spent a significant amount of time walking in the woods, and realized I enjoyed my own company. I was grateful to be away from the bustle of city life and the routine of social obligations. As it was for many, it was a time to reevaluate what mattered most to me in life.

I finally took a break from this extended isolation to attend an artist residency in Spain. While there, I further explored this path of self-discovery, and dug deep into my feelings to contemplate my purpose. Life is short. And sometimes feels perilous. This project investigates what it means to be human in this world. It is ultimately about me. My wants and wishes, and my fears. But it is about you too. Because you matter. We all matter. And how we treasure each moment, and the earth we live on, may be just the ingredient we need to change this world for the better. 

I am seeking to find my voice not as a human, but as the pulse of the air, the flow of the water, the growth of the plants. To return to the cycles of the sea and the moon - not the clock. I choose to turn toward nature, to cast aside the urban and commercial chaos that gives me angst. To live more simply. To have time to stop and smell the roses. To return to the celebration of the senses. I share my experiences of self-reflection and invite you to open your heart and your mind to feel. Feel the wind. Hear the birds. Walk in the water. Find the joy. 

This multi-media project was conceived and created in Spain, and was made possible with the support of SM Pro Art and curator Marisa Caichiolo. 

I am. I am here. I matter.  (Text in the video)

The first known art making was the hand print. It was a way to identify one’s existence in the world perhaps. A way to say I am here - and I matter. We all matter - yet oftentimes we are in a huge race against each other - no longer able to function together. 

Tribes grew to protect and serve each member - but tribalism also creates an us and a them. We are at a point in history where the divide between the tribes is grand and is growing. 

It took millions of years to create the earth as we know it - and a small fraction of that time includes human inhabitation. In such little time we have built and destroyed so much on this planet. There are so many tribal divisions that keep us from working together to make a better place that can sustain us. 

I am here feeling rather alone in this time I dedicated to feel, to process emotions, to consider the human experience. Nomads followed the cycle of the seasons, moving to find food and shelter. It was a simpler yet equally difficult life. What drives us as humans now? The need to always have more. We want a bigger house, nicer car, more things. 

We need to learn to BE. I am here today to slow down my mind, to feel! It is not always so easy to change one’s course, one’s way of being. I have been trained to be productive - as though to sit and contemplate was an act of being lazy - a bad thing. I am taking the time now to investigate how I feel - and it is an uncomfortable place to be. Hovering with uncertainty in search of a path. 

I count. I matter. I am. 

I am looking to connect with my fears and to find my emotions. I often prefer to be alone, because to be alone means you will not be disappointed in others. To function as a group requires much trust - and forgiveness. I am aware that to seek solitude is a comfort to me - but also an escape from reality. Is that healthy? 

As I contemplate my fears and my guilt, I understand I am angry that as a society we are collectively irresponsible with our earth. We can easily blame big business, but as individuals we are also a part of the problem. A better world starts with me. How do I become the change I want to see in others? Can I live with greater tolerance, yet guide humanity to be aware of the imminent crisis that could spell the end of our existence? 

Is there some way to tread softly, to truly leave no trace in our day to day existence? I fear not. We are all in a fight for our own survival. Our national divisions are at root a prehistoric tribalism. If only we could live in a world without borders. Politics are hell. 

We must return to nature. I need to find my voice not as a human, but as the pulse of the air, the flow of the water, the growth of the plants. To return to the cycles of the sea and the moon - not the clock. 

What is the language of these things? Being in solitude in a rural setting helps me tap into these physical sensations. The sound of the surf. The feel of the wind. Can I put it in a box and send it to you? Would you be able to feel it in the same way? I think not. You need to go find it for yourself. To find one’s freedom is a personal journey. There is no map, and it takes time. 

How can we bring the traveler’s sense of adventure and discovery back into daily life? Should one become a nomad? Is that one of the reasons early mankind kept moving? Just to discover what was around the next corner? I crave to find a renewed sense of excitement and discovery.

I don’t think one can be truly happy if they never find self-acceptance. So, I seek a way to contentment by following a path that takes me to the states, places and feelings that bring me joy, and avoid turning down roads that lead to disappointment. Can one really control the journey of life so precisely?

I will choose to turn toward nature, to cast aside the urban and commercial chaos that gives me angst. To live more simply. To have time to stop and smell the roses. To return to the celebration of the senses. 

I will explore the acts of seeing, touching, feeling and listening. How can I share these experiences with others? It is not so easy to box up sensations and present them in such a way that others can experience them, because what moves me may not bring the same emotion to you. Life is funny that way. We are all drawn to the hills and valleys of life from different paths, and while I may be high, you may be low. Will we ever meet on the mountain top together, at the same time, to feel the collective “aha” I have found the epiphany of my emotional search?

Do we even want to be there at the same time? I am not sure we do. The path I am on, seeking my internal peace and wisdom, is a path of my own making. I get to choose the route. And perhaps only I will know when I have arrived. There will be no road signs alerting me when I have reached my final destination. 

And ultimately of course, life is a never-ending journey - until it ceases completely. Yes, there is a finite terminus. And it may not be as far away as we wish it were. 

On more than one occasion I have sat at the bedside to watch a loved one slip off the path of their life. It is a horrible thing to watch, (nobody really likes to admit this, but the act of dying is cruel, is ugly, and often not as peaceful as we wish to believe) and these moments are firmly planted in my memory and serve as a warning sign - big flashing yellow lights reminding me that my time here is short and the time is NOW to get up, to get going and to live life fully. Without regrets while I still can.

Because I am. I am here. And I matter.